Ok, so I’m pretty sure that you should never blog about your friends. At least not your sensitive friends. And as I type these words and my friend reads them she’s going to light up my inbox and my facebook with hate mail.
You Should Probably Never Blog About Your Friends
Actually I really like this friend. I think she’s the bees mother fucking knees. She’s funny, she’s sassy, and she doesn’t take shit from no one (well almost no one…………ahem). She’s the first to put you in place and the first to reach out and support you through whatever. She’s a cool chick, and she hates that I put our text convo, which again for the RECORD I took way out of context, in my last post. She says she looks like a moron.
I beg to differ. Ahem, (counting in my head before I say something wildly in appropriate). Dear friend you’re no moron at all. How you could construe ten seconds of reading time against the 2-3 minutes it takes to read an entire post about how I fell over nothing, and you think you come out looking like a moron is beyond me.
There that’s all I have to say about that. This fucking topic is now CLOSED the fuck down. Thank you.
Said friend also has a sister. A wonderfully witty and quirky individual who I love and miss dearly. Oh sister why did you leave me? Is it because I vomited brownie bits all over your toilet and then you got it on your hand when you went to the bathroom the next morning? Is it because I got so drunk that I knocked over a red jello shot with my boob and it landed on the carpet and you had to bust out your spot bot to clean that shit up? It it because your dog hates Asian people and tried to swallow my fingers and toes whole? If you’ve answered “yes” to any of the above I am really fucking sorry, especially for the vomit part.
You see dear sister I was doing fine until I realized that while standing still I was swaying out of control. This may have been the signal to stop drinking… sigh… but since I’m a moron (did you read that friend) I may have had another two drinks.
Thank you for getting me a glass of water while I was projectile vomiting, and while strangely enough you were brushing your teeth (I think, things are still hazy). Thank you again for not killing me when the girls knocked over a jello shot, and for not letting your dog eat me. I promise to not ever barf in your toilet again.
Actually I promise to never drink that much again because truth be told I had a hangover FOR DAYS……….. and dear friend you’re right I’m definitely not in my early 20’s and able to binge drink any more… so sad, now how am I going to diet…… just kidding!
Shit and fuck man. That was a crazy fucking night. Where I wore khaki and stripes, talked way too much, gave away wayyyyyy tooo much personal information and ended it with my face in the toilet. I may have also crawled out of the bathroom on my hands and knees and barely made it said friend’s bed…. but that’s a story for a different time……….
Which is why you should never blog about your friends bitches, because it only brings up embarrassing stories about yourself, shit.