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I’m Not A Self-Loathing Asian….

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I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m not fucking Thai. Not that I have a problem with Thai people, their language, food, or customs; in fact I rather LOVE Thai food, but that aside, NO I AM NOT NOW, NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN THAI. Nor am I Hmog (from Laos), Filipino (and why do you spell the Philippines with a “ph” but refer to the people with an “f”?), Vietnamese, or any other ethnicity from those Eastern Asian Countries below China, which is not to be confused with countries adjacent to China.

Call me Chinese, ehhh, no big deal, Japenese, I’ve heard that before too.  Correctly guess I’m Korean and I’ll do you a song a dance right there. Where is all of this coming from….  The other day I was at the grocery store, looking at salsa (of all things), when this woman comes up to me out of no where, invades my personal space and asks,

Lady: “Hey you know that sauce.”
Me: “Uh what sauce, salsa?”
Lady: “No, that sauce that has peanuts in it, and you put it on stuff.”
Me: “Peanut sauce?”
Lady: “Yeah I think so. Do you know where it is?”
Me: “No, not really.”
Lady: “But aren’t you like, that type of Asian?”
Me: “What do you mean….”
Lady: “The kind that makes and eats that sauce.”
Me: “You mean Thai?”
Lady: “Yeah, that’s it, Thai.”
Me: “Nope. And I don’t know what isle that sauce is on either. Oh by the way, do you happen to know where the nearest KKK clan is?”
Lady: “What?”
Me: “Aren’t you that type of white person?”
Lady: “What.”
Me: “Yup, seems you are: totally ignorant.”

I think as this point this woman turned five shades of red and made some strangling gurgling noises as she more or less ran away from me. After my last fiasco in the grocery store I was going to make DAMN sure that this time I would say something, anything. I might have gone too far.  As I related this story to the phubster later he assured me that I am really totally rude (duh), and wondered aloud if I was a self loathing Asian. What. The. Fuck. Really phubster, you wanted to go and play that card huh… FINE.  Then I asked him, “if I just walked up to you in the store and said, hey can you put your hands in my front lawn and ask the grass why it’s dying, that wouldn’t be rude?” (I should mention that the phubster is one sizzling hot Mexican) That son of a bitch said (with a glint in his eye), “I’m pretty sure that’s a come on. And I’d certainly take you up on the offer.” GAH, BARF, EYEROLL. He’s so cheesy sometimes.

The point of all of this? I’m not even sure if there is a point. I just thought it was kind of funny. I mean really “self-loathing Asian?” Ok there was that one summer where I almost went blonde, and that other time where I got really tanned and tried to pass myself off as… oh just forget it. I don’t think I’m that self loathing, no more than the average adoptee. What, hmm… oh yeah that’s right I am adopted. Into a completely WHITE family. I’ve been suffering WTF looks my entire life. So you’ll see now that it’s totally understandable when I get touchy about being an ethnicity I’m not.  As my brother often tells me (who is also adopted), “we’re just bananas, you know, yellow on the outside, and white on the inside.” This is true.  For the most part our parents tried to give us cultural advantages, a couple of summers at “Korean Camp,” books, information, etc on our ethnic and cultural roots, but really it just wasn’t quite the same. The only thing I’ve managed to walk away with from all of that is a deep and pornographic love of Korean Food. I want it all.  This is ok with me. It really is. I just don’t like being lumped together in that “all Asians look the same, therefore they must be the same” category. I mean, should I just assume every white person I see is Italian or Irish? Nope, didn’t think so, works with Asians too. Self loathing–>no; people loathing–> Hell to the yes.

And since we’re talking about loathing…

I’ve been reading a blog… I can’t tell if it’s real or not. SERIOUSLY. I don’t want to link it here because if it is real and there’s a ton of traffic over there because ya’ll are checking it out, that doesn’t look so good. But in all honesty I can’t make up my mind. There’s a part of me that thinks this fucking shit CANNOT be true (it’s not a happy blog BTW), I Mean people don’t just do that to other people, this is NOT TRUE.  And then there’s that other part that’s like, OMG what if it is true, this poor girl, I mean fucking sickos out there. But the writing is so advanced and articulate for her “supposed” age, which I’ve had to take a guess at because she doesn’t actually mention her age, just talks about maybe enrolling in High School, and her home schooling studies, and if it is true then the girl’s a freaking genius because her ramblings are extremely intelligent, her concepts and connections are light years ahead of her peers, and then some.  I don’t know it’s confusing, like that time in college when I kissed that girl… I just don’t know what to make of it, it’s a hot mess. I mean are there fake blogs out there? Sort of new and naive to this whole thing, I guess it’s a possibility.

In the blogosphere is there blogism (kind of like racism), just judging the blog by it’s category without actually seeing if it fits? There’s been a couple of other things I’ve read lately where I’ve thought to myself, “self, this is going to be about xyz,” and BAM, WAS I WRONG. In reality it was about vibrators, and IVF babies, and shit. Really Snarksters, I’m curious to know, is there a group of fake blogs out there floating around, am I being duped at this very moment, feeling sorry for someone who may not technically exist? I hate being duped. I will shank you.

So Lessons Learned:

1. I’m not Thai
2. I could stand to be a little more patient
3. I should not have a serious discussion with the phubster, or mention anything about lawns or grass because apparently that’s a turn on for him, fucking weirdo
4. Wondering why someone would post a fake blog is really time consuming and possibly pointless
5. Restricting yourself to boozing it up on Fridays and Saturdays only, SUCKS.

So… read any good fake blogs lately? Been totally rude to someone who thought you were some other kind of ethnicity that you are, in fact, not? Share…. I promise to be nice…….

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About sars!

...new people with great stories to tell, anyone who will challenge my brain and not leave me feeling like I just sat through a two hour lecture on how to tie your shoe...

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