I’m going to go out on a limb here and institute somethingnew, something that I think is going to be pretty fucking awesome (and no, Iwill not take your comments if you think otherwise, in fact all negativecomments can be placed in the black rectangular receptacle under my desk, andfor those that are challenged it’s called the fucking trash can.).
Forthwith I bring to you….
Just a little roundup of the tomfoolery I heard snippets of this weekend. Things I thought were funny or stupidor both.
Without further ado…
At La Salsa waiting in line for lunch there was a guy and agal standing in front of me chit chatting, and I practically wanted to barf allover them.
Guy: So, wow hey, that’s a sparkler
Lady: Oh this, (holds up ring finger), it’s nothing really (I’minterjecting here to say this thing was a big as my FREAKING eyeball)
Guy: No, that’s pretty substantial
Lady: Yeah I know, right (giggles) 7.5 carats. I had itappraised.
Guy: How much do you think he (which I’m assuming is the fiancé)spent?
Lady: At the appraisal they said it was worth $27,000.00. ButI doubt he spent that much, probably only $17,500.00 or something, he does havethat connection.
Guy: Oh yeah, wow, I mean that’s a lot of money (said with abit of disdain)
Lady: I know right, I mean it’s just like over the top (saidall breathy and giggly)
Guy: Well how’d he propose? (trying to sound genuinely interested,but he’s really not)
At this point I juststopped listening because I don’t do vapid well. And I was hungry and cranky,and therefore fighting the urge to shankthe ho with my car keys since valley girl on an empty stomach is really hard totake. Plus I was feeling bad for the poor shmuck with her because it was clearhe had a thing for the bimbo. You’re better off buddy, TRUST ME.
In the produce section of Albertson’s, again a guy and ladydressed in scrubs scrounging around the pre-made sandwiches…
Lady: So what you’re saying is the Jerry is filing forbankruptcy?
Guy: And I’m going to fire him.
Lady: But why?
Guy: Because he also hasn’t filed any personal taxes and theIRS already sent me several letters about something else they want to look intoregarding him.
Guy: Yeah, but I you can’t say anything.
Lady: Oh I won’t. But I mean he has all those properties andthe boat, and then he flashes that watch around…
Guy: That doesn’t mean anything.
Lady: But what about Vegas?
Guy: What about it?
Lady: His penthouse in Vegas? (Mother fucker has a penthouse?!)
Guy: You mean the one he embezzeled funds for? (OMG OMG OMG, this is what I was thinking, followed by, he embezzled company funds, the IRS is in on it, FUCK…)
Guy: I wish I was.
Lady: Oh my God.
Guy: That’s what I said.
At this point theystarted walking away from me and shooting me dirty looks because I suppose whenyou’re literally two feet behind someone and run and trying not to do the creepystalker thing of breathing down their backs it’s pretty obvious you’re eavesdropping. But I REALLY am DYING to know more about Jerry and his money problemsnow….
And my snarksters I have saved the best for last, a giftfrom me to you…. This is a conversation I had with my 4 year old daughter, theLittle Monster…
Me: What did you say?!
LM: (without missing a beat) that’s a bad word though. Ijust wanted you to know, so don’t say it.
Me: (sputtering, wheels spinning thinking of an appropriatedisciplinary action) well, umm you’re right. Ok.
LM: (smiles) I love you mommy when you don’t say bad words.
Me: But I didn’t say any bad words.
LM: But sometimes you do.
Me: Yes I do, but I’m a mommy, and you’re a little girl.
LM: Yeah but daddy’s going to spank your butt.
Me: Uhhh… no he’s not.
LM: Yeah he is. You’re going to be in trouble. And then whenyou say bad words you get your butt spanked.
Me: That’s true, that’s why we don’t say bad words right.
LM: Yeah, but that’s why you’re going to be spank-ted.
Me: Well no, mommies don’t get spanked.
Me: Well… (and at this point if I don’t concede the impliedfear of being spanked without actually being spanked will stop being aneffective tool, I realize I just have to bite the bullet here). You’re right, I’mgoing to get spanked.
LM: See I told you. Silly mommy.
Me: Yeah, silly me.
LM: I’m going to tell daddy you said lots of bad words today(evil giggle)
Me: Oh yeah…
LM: Yeah because you do, say a lot…………..
Shit and fuck. She’sright. God Dammit.
And there you are, the greatest conversation snippets of theweekend. Hear anything more interesting… please do tell… and if you’re going tosay any bad words, you best prepare for the spanking that comes with it.