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Code-name: Yellow Submarine

Why hello there…

Before we begin this communique I need to verify that you know the secret pass code, ok…

Sometimes the Rain In Spain…

Hmm… what’s that? You don’t know the secret pass code.

Well I guess that’s ok because at the end of this transmission I may just spontaneously combust. (What, you didn’t know I was combustible did you…) Lately I’ve been working on a little project that is slowly sucking my soul dry…

It’s very cloak and daggery (Ok not really, but hey I got to spice it up somehow, just smile and nod ok). I’ve been roped into being my little sister’s Maid of Honor for her last-minute, totally on the fly, going by the seat of our pants, might just make it by the skin of our teeth (like all those little cliché phrases– me too, me too) nuptials on the 20th of this month (and yes if you’re actually following me, I got the dates wrong in a prior post, and have since been reamed told that it is actually on the 20th, and not the 19th).

It’s a small wedding, with a total guest list of 30 people who have all RSVP’d. It should be nice, it’s going to be on the cliffs in a fancy shmancy part of San Diego, overlooking the beach, and then off to a really nice Italian restaurant/club/lounge place for the reception. Barring gale force winds and rains it should actually be lovely. But before we get to the lovely, trying not to cry while holding both bouquets part there’s a lot of planning and running around and making arrangements and sobbing hysterically in my beer stuff to do.

Last night I spent 4.5 hours at the mall with the bride to be (code name: Yellow Submarine) looking for the “perfect” pair of shoes to go under the wedding dress. Around hour 2 I suggested she just go barefoot, and almost got pushed down the escalator (ok not really, but if she had the power of telekinesis I would have gone flying…). At hour 3.5 I suggested she get whatever pair of shoes she wanted because who the hell is going to see them under the dress anyway… this was also met with utter disdain, tears, and a tirade on why “I don’t care about her or her big day.” At this point I checked out for a while and threw back Happy Hour Beers at the Red Robin.

40 minutes later I found her in Macy’s, trying on a pair of shoes that had nothing to do with the holy grail quest we were on before, and lo and behold the wedding shoes mission was over. She finally settle on a pair of shoes that she liked and that were comfortable because as she so nonchalantly said, “who’s going to see them under the dress anyway.” (PALM TO FOREHEAD, SCREAM, REPEAT)

We left as the mall was closing, and I felt like I had just gone through a small civil war.  I then spent my sleeping hours dreaming about ugly shoes that were trying to squish me. UGH.

That was just our shoe experience. We have yet settle on the final jewelry for the dress, pick up the wedding night attire (to put it politely. I also told her why bother it’s only going to stay on for 5 minutes or so to which I received the “if looks could kill you you’d be dead” glare…) and a whole bunch of other little odds and ends…

Please make it stop, I’ll tell you anything you want to know!

Anyway, the only thing I have going for me is that it’s all going to be over in three weeks, there’s an open bar (thank you Daddy!), and that I get to have my hair and make-up did… if I make it that long

(Don’t tell anyone, but I may consider defecting for the right amount of booze….)

So, ever deal with a bridezilla, last-minute wedding, God Awful colored Bridesmaid dress… how’d you keep your sanity and sobriety? Do share, PLEASE!


About beccasprettysurethat

I cuss, I'm snarky. I'm a slave to my desk and kids. I joined a gang once, and was forced to wear YELLOW at my sister's wedding...

16 responses »

  1. um, what’s a mall?

    • no, seriously… what’s a mall.

      • the mall is an evil place you go to when you have no other options… or you’re really depressed and want to do some retail therapy. It’s like a big box full of stores that love your credit card. I’m usually banned from the mall but since it had to do with the Yellow Submarine, I was allowed to go…. I hated it.

  2. lol at the code name, it’s perfect. double lol a red robin. can i be jose’s date to this wedding?

  3. Will you still be my friend if I tell you that at one time…..I WAS the Bridezilla. Oh god, it shames me just to say that.

  4. Wedding bridesmaid drama:
    1- Bride that accidentally dyed her hair greenish from over highlighting. Also, was required to get my hair done by a woman that managed to turn my hair inside out and make it look like the inside of a bun. And not in a good way.
    2- Gawd-awful-robins-egg-blue dress with sparkles all over it. And the preacher kept talking about cheetos. And it was an outdoor wedding, at noon, in Texas, in August. Maid of Honor’s bratty kid kept running down the aisle, getting picked up by mom, and nearly causing mom to have a GIANT wardrobe malfunction in front of everyone. Oh and bridesmaid #2 kept trying to fit into a dress that was OBVIOUSLY too small. 10 pounds of butt in a 5 pound sack.
    3- $380 dress (bride chipped in $100) with $80 in alterations. Navy chiffon. Made me look prego when I very much wasn’t. Also, 4 day bachelorette party in Las Vegas. I only knew the bride, not the other maids. One was going vegan the next week. She alternated between sucking down hot dogs by the foot and asking waiters for organic wine lists. She also took 3 hours to add a braid to her hair. Another bridesmaid (a married one) disappeared to the room of a probable-Mexican-drug-cartel-owner for a suspiciously long period of time sans telephone. And the sister of the groom dressed like a nun. Luckily the bride was cool. Non-zilla. She was obsessed with EVERY little detail. What stuff to put in the out of town guests bags (like what brand of headache reliever and personalized “do not disturb” signs) but didn’t seem concerned about running out of food at a 4 hour reception (I finally got through to her on that one).
    4- Wedding set to be inside an evacuation zone for a wildfire. Venue not changed until 6 hours before the ceremony. Wedding planner not worried, and had us meet her at a Mexican restaurant to evaluate the situation.

    The zilla-est bride I ever knew wasn’t one that I was in the wedding. I was just a friend. A work friend. That chick was crazy. EVERYTHING was the end of the world. EVERYTHING. I recommend Peppermint Schnapps. Smells like gum. No one can fault you for that. 🙂

    • Peppermint Schnapps, got it. I was thinking a hip flask no?
      WOW, your bridesmaid debacle does sound wayyy more horrifying. That’s probably why you’re at whole new level of bridesy secret agenty stuff. I’m seriously jealous. If you can survive all of that, then I am going to desperately try to survive The Yellow Submarine. Wish me luck.

      • Good luck! Hip flask will show under dresses. Go for the thigh flask attached to a garter 🙂

        My secret to getting through wedding craziness is this: remember that this is a person you love. And you will get the version you love back. Right after the honeymoon. And you have to be nice because they’re in some crazy weird heightened state of being easily offended. So if you can last a few weeks, life will be good forever.

        Also, try to stash food around you that day. Brides don’t want you to mess up your lipstick after hair/make up. But you’re gonna want some grub. I recommend egg and potato tacos. They stay good at room temp for a long time. 🙂

        • I HAVE TO HAVE TO find one of these garter hip flasks of which you speak. I do love her. I love her but I also want to kill her. And OMG they’re going to be like totally barftastic aren’t they………. jeesh…………..I’m pigging out all day…Those tacos sound sooo goooddddd…… I’m making bellinis while we get ready………..I’m such a good maid of honor.

  5. I think it will be all worth it once you have your hair and makeup did and are knocking back the free drinks! You’re being an excellent sister…I am very impressed.

    Don’t forget: the furry squirrel dances in the moonlight beside the clock tower. Please destroy this comment after reading.

    • The Whale Sings Under the Coral….. (tick, tick, tick, tick) <—ignore the ticking noise, it's ummm nothing….

      I'm glad you're impressed, because this whole thing has been kind of depressing to me. I'm just saying I really think it's too soon, they're too young, too naive, I don't know. But aside from the yellow dress, and the bridezilla behavior I am REALLY trying to be supportive in every way, and even kind of um.. nice. It's killing me inside.

  6. I will NEVER be a bridezilla. If/When I get married again, it will be a very tiny 4-6 person event and will involve being barefoot in the sand somewhere warm. It will be followed by absolutely no drama whatsoever. 😀 Because I’m easy… like Sunday morning… or some crap like that!

    I think you should rape the open bar and bring a laptop so you can Skype us in your yellow dress while at the reception. Because I said so.


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