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Stuff I’m pretty sure that

…I’m pretty sure that all husbands/significant others should come with a guaranteed upgrade every four years, or some type of return policy, or they should at least be able to fall under the Lemon Law.

…I’m pretty sure that just about everything is bullshit, and if there’s one thing that’s for certain you can’t bullshit a bullshitter.

…I’m pretty sure that the amount you hate your spouse is equivocal to the amount you love your spouse (and don’t lie to me and say you don’t hate your spouse, you bullshitter you, see statement above).

…I’m pretty sure that I’m so gangsta you can’t even stand on the same street corner as me without getting beat down.

…I’m pretty sure that someday I might actually decide what I want to be when I grow up.

…I’m pretty sure that I might actually grow up (but it’s debatable).

…I’m pretty sure that I should give up swearing, but then what the fuck kind of adjectives would I used to describe shit.

…I’m pretty sure that if you saw me in real life, you’d never know I was so thug.

…I’m pretty sure that what breaks your heart and fucks you up, only gives you that much more street cred, WORD.

…I’m pretty sure that every child you lose goes straight to Heaven.

…I’m pretty sure that you can survive all types of abuse, but surviving does not mean living (and yes I sometimes wax poetic)

…I’m pretty sure that if you fuck with my kids I’ll bust your fucking knee caps with pencils, and a stapler, mother fucker.

…I’m pretty sure that if you’re reading this list, and taking this stuff to heart, you really need to have a bottle of wine, and chill the fuck out my little snarkdoodle.

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