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Category Archives: Guest Posts

Nice Work If You Can Get It

Ok snarkdoodles!

So here’s the thing…. I won an award! I’ve been seeing this award float around all week and have been pretty green with envy that I was not a lucky recipient, but lo an behold, my beloved Angie over at saw fit to bestow this honor upon me and well just so you know I’m having my Crown and Scepter fabricated today (because that’s what everyone does when they receive an award, right……………….)

So without further ado, the award………….

Yes I agree, it’s pretty fucking magnificent, and I can live with the pea soup green color. It’s been rocking my world all day long. And so with a great award, comes great power…. or um er responsibility right?  A couple of reward rules to follow here…

So the lovely, charming, witty, classy, silly, introspective Angie gave me this wonderful award because as she says:

“I fell in love with Becca awhile back and then she went and became my hero with her 1/2 marathon and Tiffany’s bling. We bonded over the idea of one day wining and Skyping… and now, well now it’s just a matter of time before we’re both on at the same time. She cracks me up and she will do it to you too. Oh AND… She swears. I love swearing.”

Awwwwwwwwwwww…. first of all I am total whore glutton slave lover of compliments, and this is one of the best I’ve had in a long time. Angie is DA BOMB. Drunk skyping is genius, and she’s always starting the wine party on the Twitter. Angie is always giving out the latest and hottest relationship advice which I pretty much live by (ok not really, but ummm yeah ok really).  The best thing about Angie though is that she’s not afraid to get honest, and shed the silly exterior for a deep introspective look around, and I admire that about her soo much.  So if you’re not plugged in to her blog now, march your butt over and dooooo ittttttt……. or I’ll have to bust your knee caps with pencils.

That aside, the rules say you now need to know Some Things About Me you didn’t know before… where to start….

Some Little Facts (most of you) Don’t Know About Me, Myself and I
1. I was on the High School Speech and Debate Team (yeah fine, laugh it  up losers)
2. I have never once in my life smoked pot (I swear to GOD this is true)
3. I’m at least 20 pounds over my ideal weight (FREAKING KIDS)
4. I have this softer side of me that you know is actually a really nice person (she comes out to play sometimes)
5. My husband is an ex-Marine (you would never guess it though, really….)
6. I got married when I was pregnant with my daughter (no it wasn’t a shotgun wedding)
7. We had a civil ceremony (ok maybe it was)
8. One of my legs is slightly longer than the other (what… don’t get judgey, it really screws me up sometimes)
9. I love Almond Rocha (almost as much as I love Toblerone)
10. I despise nuts in cookies (but I love honey roasted peanuts)
And now… I gots to spread the love…. I hereby re-award this award to:
1. YouGotSars.  This is my cousin, maybe even my missing birth sister. She’s funny, snarky, drinky, and oh God Lord in Heaven her SHOES!!!!! I love her shoes!!!!!!!!!! She’s also insightful, kind, and all sorts of interesting. Check, check, check her out because she’s damn well worth the read. Besides, she does all the heavy lifting around here and without her help we’d be curtainless and cold……….
2. Flourish in Progress.  This chick has already gotten this award several times, but still her awesomeness can’t be denied. It’s takes a real OG to give up shopping for year and to not steal shorts (even if sequined) from the Neiman Marcus. She even started her own gang. Doesn’t get any more hood than this.
3. Oh Noa.  If you’re not reading this blog, we cannot be friends anymore. Seriously. No, I don’t want to hear it, go over there right now, read, laugh, choke on your spit from laughing and come back here to report. Noa is a fucking comedic genius.  Her flowchart on deciding if you were wearing actual clothes has been printed and taped to my bathroom mirror for future reference. She cracks me up all the time……..
4. Chicktuition. Girlfriend got herself in the freaking URBAN DICTIONARY, and has to date managed to not be eaten by crocodiles on her bike rides. She also likes to frequent cemetaries and her garden fixtures get stolen a lot. She also has this cute pink chick, and who can resist that. I can’t, I’m a sucker for cuteness… (probably how I ended up with two kids)
5. TazerWarriorPrincess.  So this hooker right here already got this award, but I can’t stop myself from re-giving it to her because she is so damn sarcastically funny, which I love, because that’s my type of funny. Who else do you know that can make a SPORK funny? That’s right no one. So go see her today and tell her I said, “Hey gurl……..”
6. WagTheDad.  Ahhh Shane, the ever pragmatic opportunist.  He didn’t miss a beat when he posted about his blog whores, mohair suits, playing doctor, and whatever else comes into his little mind… It’s twisted and dark and funny in there, but I like it. He never fails to make me laugh and make sure I don’t get caught reading his blog at work.
7. DeadCowGirl.  So this is not for the faint of heart. This funny, open, honest woman discusses a lot of sex (what she’s a Dominatrix for crying out loud), motherhood, and the joy and heartbreak of trying to concieve again. I find her brave in the midst of controversy, and funny in the midst of heartbreak. Go see her, give her some love, and get some advice……..
SO there you have it darlings……. go out read and report back here, maybe even tomorrow since I have an update on The Yellow Submarine, Costco, and The Weekend…..

That’s What Friends Are For….

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All Righty my little snarkdoodles…

I know what you’re thinking…where have I been all week, what happened to Conversational Mondays, and Familial Fridays, where’s my weekly helping of Snark?!

Before the pitch forks come out, I apologize for not being able to give my two cents on all things snarky this week.

I am in the middle of a transition.

I will be starting a new job next week, and dying this week in San Fransisco, so maybe I won’t be starting a new job after all… Anyway while preparing my Last Will and Testament, and running around with the kiddos and overanalyzing a lot of everything else, I came up short on the posts this week, which I know is totally unforgivable, but I promise to do better, really…..

Luckily for me, I have some pretty cool friends, one of which wrote me a guest post for my poor neglected blog… so while I finish packing (don’t judge me), and worrying about everything I leave you with a guest post from a very good friend of mine, who’s topic on bitchy friends and forgiveness seems to come just at the right time since I done fucked up ya’ll (and was a total bitchy friend this week), but more on that later…

Should I return alive on Monday, I promise a post full of all the graphic details on how I almost died while running a marathon…….

Friends fight, friends come, friends go, and real friends know to apologize when things blow.  (Yes I felt the need to rhyme – I teach kindergarten for heaven’s sake!)   I knew that back in elementary school when one day Audra didn’t want to sit next to me at lunch anymore.  We got into a fight over this boy named James and Audra said she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore.  That is, until I won the science fair.  She nonchalantly came over to tell me I had a cool project and things were fine after that.  It was her way of saying, look, I did a bitchy thing, but I’m  over it now, are you??  I mean, because real apologies only happen in the movies – these are the kind of apologies that happen in the real world.  I knew that back in the day, and yet it’s still a hard pill to swallow as an adult if a friend stops being your friend.
I say this because I have been in the longest fight with one of my very dear friends for a long time now.  There was even a snarky blog about her and I admit, I loved reading it because it was true.  She did say a very bitchy comment.  And she’s a bitch.  But then again, so are a lot of my friends.  And that’s what I love about them.  Until she was a bitch to me.  It was great being on the friend side of the bitch.  It was horrible to be on the other side when you aren’t friends with a bitch that you cared about. 

Yes, I said care.  I’ve got a lot of feelings.  Too many feelings if there is such a thing.  I told myself, and to other people, she did a bitchy thing to me and I don’t care.  But deep down, I was really hurt.  She did do a bitchy thing.  I just don’t think she realized it was bitchy.  But I realized it and it hurt.  And I had to deal with it.  So while bitchy went about living her great life, I was ostracized and cut off from the circle.  It’s like no one wanted to sit with me at lunch.  Now, don’t get me wrong I have other great, equally bitchy friends.  But this particular bitch managed to make me feel as if the problem was me, which made me want to ostracize myself even more.
Now before I get too melancholy, I have to say, some really great things happened after I was ostracized.  I got in touch with a lot of older friends and it made me realize how many great people I have in my life.  I guess you can say, I finally got my nose out of the bitches ass to realize she was a bitch.  And I saw the light.  It didn’t make it any easier though.
That is, until I reached a point of an “aha” moment.  I started living my life not caring about the bitch.  I figured, if she wanted to end the friendship entirely, so be it.  She just wasn’t meant to be my friend then.  And truth be told, I got wayyyyy to damn busy at the moment to give a crap.  And  low and behold, as real life cycled again like  we were 7 year olds fighting over a boy at school, the bitch apologized to me.  It wasn’t your Blockbuster movie apology of I’m sorry.  In fact, I’m sorry was never uttered.  Bitches don’t say they are sorry.  But in between the lines of her email she sent this week, I was all too familiar with it.  Without saying it, she was owning up to being the bitch and saying she was in the wrong, and more importantly, that she missed me.  Now I am not saying I am back to sitting at lunch with her again, so to speak.  But it was what I needed. To know that one of life’s fucked up cycles of friendship happened. And as I made arrangements to see her this weekend, it made me realize, friends fight, friends come, friends go, and real friends apologize when things blow.  Ain’t friends a bitch.

Now enough of the “more you know” announcements with a shooting star going by.  This is real life bitches.  And I’ve gotta go brush my teeth, get dressed, and face the spirit rally at my elementary school.  (I’m jumping for joy.)  Here’s to all the bitches of the world – be nice to one another.  And say you are sorry when you should.  Us bitches gotta stick together.  We are a dying breed.

I’m Going to Have to Minimize My Guest Posting Rights… Fuck… Just Kidding….

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So Snarksters,

Here it is… the aforementioned and highly anticipated post by Ms. VampireS herself. Can I just say that the fact that she DID NOT post about vampires and brownies has pretty much ruined my fucking week. GAH. Anyway…. she does have a point somewhere in all this rambling about life lessons like forgiveness, friendships, blah blah fucking Hallmark blah blah. Ugh. Not to worry though, I’ve livened up the place with a few strategically placed editor’s notes. The editor would be me. Oh SHIZ NITZ, please add that onto the ever growing list of talents I have and that you suck at. I know, I know, you’re thinking to yourself, “oh no she din’t.” And HELL YES, I did.

P.S. I’m one of the biggest fans of Ms. VampireS, and she knows it. She also knows that I’m joking around with her in my most Snarky way. If you take upon yourself to leave her a nasty comment, I will sharpen my fucking pencils, and I will Bob Damn Find You. Did I mention I’m in a gang……..

My mom would just die if she knew I was blogging. It’s ok because it’s not my blog and really this is an act of chivalry. (Can girls be chivalrous? Or is that an act saved for the male species?) You see I feel the need to save my BFF from herself [editor’s note: I like going down in flames, not saving necessary]. I read these blogs of hers and while I chuckle (ok laugh my ass of in an actual LMAO moment) I can’t help but say oh B darling, why the foul language?? [editor’s note: because I fucking love to Bob Damn mother fucking curse. Shit.]
So when given the much coveted offer of a “guest post” I couldn’t help but say “YES! YES… oh god..” So after much ado (and hopefully not about nothing) here it is folks.
Now I know you were all promised brownies and vampires [editor’s note: I’m sorely disappointed, I still want my vampire brownies] but I have a new idea. I apologize for anyone who was waiting on baited breathe for that post. Actually no I don’t. Get over it. [editor’s note: well screw you too]
Moving on…
A few years ago, after a couple days or maybe even weeks of dodging my best friend’s phone calls (no not B) I got quite the nasty gram from him. My response? “Sorry I’ve been really busy.” … if this is the part where you think it went over well, you’re wrong. “Don’t ever say that to me, I always make time for you. I’m busier than anyone I know.” At the time I thought OMG how dramatic! Cry me a river, we’re not dating or anything. But as time passed, and as I got older (and ironically enough, busier) I started to encounter more and more people that just didn’t have time for me. Some of this was just natural growing apart as we matured and to avoid the awkward painful conversation of “I just don’t like you anymore” we both pretended to be too busy to get together…. Letting our relationship dissolve in the ephemeral [editor’s note: sometimes Ms. VampireS uses big words. I know, it’s ok I don’t know what they mean either]. But I digress…
There were others, those hurt more.
Now that I’m older, and less dramatic (shut up! I am I swear [editor’s note: um no you’re not]) I get way less offended when people don’t have time for me… nope now I just get pissed.
So when today, I had 4 different people (yes all male) tell me “I’m sorry, I’ve just been SUPER busy lately.” (or some variation thereof) you can imagine how fucking pissed off I was. Like really? That’s all you got?
Case 1 – guy I know, that everyone I know can’t fucking stand, who has been giving a million chances and is on his 1 million and 1st chance… in the proverbial king sized dog house. Who, if he really wanted to make up to me big time as promised, would really find some time. And not a lot of time, I mean clearly any girl who forgives you so much, really wouldn’t require too much time. But I guess that’s the point isn’t it, he knows I forgive… (look at me digressing again.)
Case 2 – guy I know, who after finally convincing me to go out with him and acts, well let’s just say quite odd on our 1st date, complete with trying to kiss me and ending up in my ear and then texting me as I drove away to say, “um can we hang tonight?” … um we just hung out… did you mean to call someone else?? “nope you, I meant to call you silly.” Right…. [editor’s note: please do not go out with the guy again because I don’t want to have to ID you at the morgue. Thanks.]
Case 3 – my GD assistant who actually had the audacity to tell me “I’m too busy, you’re gonna have to do that yourself.” [editor’s note: as a “professional assistant” this is unacceptable, and I would tell him to go Fuck himself six ways to Monday]
Case 4 – no, I don’t think B’s readers are quite ready for case 4. [editor’s note: I’m not ready either]
What the fuck is with telling people you are too busy? There are some people you get “un busy” for, and there are some people you lie to about being “busy” and there are some people (and yes this would be me) [editor’s action: big time EYEROLL] that you’re just never too busy for.
The girl who has giving you a million and one chances, the girl whose ear you kiss, the girl who could sink your career… you’re never too busy for that girl.
So my best friend was right. And I was an ass. … is this my penance? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure JC himself would agree I’ve paid my debt to society and deserve once again to be showered in the love and admiration of those around me. … oh well, B loves me [editor’s note: sure I do, when I don’t want to break your knee caps with pencils].
PS… wanna guess who is the only guy I forgave? Case 1,2 or 3 ?…. yup case 1. Convincing argument? Nope… I just need real mental health treatment [editor’s note: agreed, I’ll drive you just cuz we’re tight like that].