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And Then He Said, “Roast Them…”

Ok, and aside before we get started here… since I just moved in and all, I’m still not sure what colors to paint the walls, and where to place what, so if you come around a lot don’t be surprised to see lots of changes and things until I’ve settled on what I think shall be a nice cozy home for us here.  Yes, things are looking a little undone, but please don’t get all judgey, yet…. thanks xoxo!

 

It’s that time again…

CONVERSATIONAL MONDAYS

And while I thought I would bring you a delightful retelling of our weekend festivities, but between my yellow submarine duties, and attempting to set up shop here, I’ve been woefully lacking in the delightful department.

In fact the best conversation I can hope to bring you is this…

We carved The Little Monster’s Pumpkin this weekend and the phubster and I had a difference of opinion on it.  As per usual, he may have won the battle but I won the war.

Phubs (Ph): Hey are you going to get to that pumpkin or what…

Me: Um… excuse me?

Ph: You heard me, woman (this was said with a good humored smile, and devilish twinkle in the eye)

Me: Aren’t you supposed to draw the picture on it first there genius, and what guy can’t carve a pumpkin anyway…

Ph: It’s not that I can’t carve one, it’s just that you’re sooo much better at it than I am…

Me: Or really it’s because you don’t want to have to scoop out the guts and stuff…

Ph: That may be true

Me: Hurry up and draw the damn picture then

Ph: You can’t hurry the artist

Me: Hell yes I can (mencaningly weilding pumpkin carving tool)

Ph: You realize you can’t even cut a peice of bread with that right

Me: Don’t make me shank you

Ph: You couldn’t anyway

Me: I could get a different knife

Ph: you’re so violent, fine I’ll draw the picture, can you get me a crayon

Me: (rolls eyes, make Psycho knife motion with pumpkin tool)

Ph: Fine, why do I have to do everything around here

Me: Because drawing a picture on the pumpkin is doing everything

Ph: Pretty much

Me: You really don’t want to live through the night do you

Ph: Here’s your picture, now get to cutting

Me: Ohhh I’m gonna cut something….

Ph: The pumpkin

Me: Fine… (storms off to the kitchen)

Ph: And while you’re at it, can you roast them…

Me: Roast what…

Ph: You know

Me: No I don’t know

Ph: The seeds………

Me: Oh yeah sure, why don’t I just Martha Stewart all this shit up

Ph: that would be preferred……

At this point I may or may not have thrown pumpkin guts at the phubster to shut up his tirade on pumpkin seeds. He may or may not have retalitated by picking me up and smearing pumpkin guts in my face. I may or may not have started screaming like someone was ripping off my limbs, and then choked on a pumpkin seed while the phubster gleefully laughed, until he realized I was actually choking and then he got all serious and red faced and apologetic…

Or at LEAST he thinks I was actually choking….

And that is how I wound up with a foot massage, and dinner out….

He’s totally not onto my game.

I’m a super evil master General when it comes to this shit…

The pumpkin turned out ok, and I did roast the seeds in the microwave, because I’m sort of lazy, but they turned out pretty good too. Better watch out Betty Crocker, Imma get you!

So how was your weekend, pumpkin carving, Halloween parties, pretend choking? Do tell……

Movin’ On Up…..

Oh snarkles,

I’m so glad you found me. You see my blogger bloggypoo went fucking beserk on me, and so I had to switch it all up, and jump on over here to wordpress.com (which should not be confused with wordpress.org, I spent some time wondering why the fuck I had to download shit… I know, I am woefully ignorant today…..).

First things first and great big old SHOUT THE FUCK OUT to YOUGOTSARS! That hooker has revolutionized my world by letting me know how fucked my blog was and that I should just move over here, where all the rest of  ya’ll hang out.  Thanks for looking at my html and shit. You’re the bomb.

I’m assuming it’s going to take me a little while to get all comfy and cozy here, so just be patient, and thanks for making the move.

In the mean time, did I ever tell you about the time I went to Target and my son spilled something down the back of my pants and it look like I peed myself?

No….?

Oh well you see…. I had to go to Target I went to Target after a truly tragic shopping incident at Alberston’s where I was told that I was traumatizing my child by sprinkling water on her face. I thought a trip there would make me feel better, but oh how I was wrong.  I gathered up the kiddos, and in we went to my very own air conditioned red and white heaven.  The first 20 minutes or so were bliss, idly perusing through the cosmetics isles, checking out the kids clothes, and oh yeah I did need some more All Purpose Cleaner.  I grabbed two spray bottles and sat one next to The Crybaby, just for safekeeping you know…

We continued our leisurely jaunt through the store, and then I got entranced stuck in front a shelf of Tupperware. Glorious little plastic novelties screaming my name, begging me to run my finger over their textured surfaces (naughty little bastards) completely had me enraptured in their PBF free awesomeness. I was so engrossed that I failed to notice that with super human strength The Crybaby had lifted the spray bottle next to him and was dangling it precariously over the edge of the cart, right by my feet, and with a snide little smile threw it at me.

Since I wasn’t paying attention it bounced off of my leg, shattered on the floor and the rebound from the spill soaked the back of my shorts.  The Little Monster who had been playing with a Hello Kitty Gardening set then came over, and squealing decided to yell, “mommy, did you pee yourself?!” and point at the same time.

No dignity left I went in search of the nearest store associate, apologized profusely and left, while everyone stared at me, and pretty much had a look on their face which said, “oh my god, that woman peed herself.”

Lesson learned: Tupperware is the devil.

So snarkdoodles, ever for real pee yourself, or spill on yourself so you looked like you peed?  Let’s share and care…..